A Comprehensive Travel Study

Ibiza → Calistoga, CA

Everything you need to get from the island to the ranch.

🌍Ibiza, Spain——————→🍷Calistoga, CA

Total distance: ~9,700 km · As the crow flies · The crow is exhausted

🏝️ Ibiza | | Mediterranean Sea | 🇪🇸 Spain | | Atlantic Ocean (the big one) | 🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊 | 🇺🇸 Eastern US | | Continental United States | 🍷 Calistoga, CA ← you need to be here

Getting Here

✈️

By Plane

Estimated total: ~14–16 hrs

Recommended
Feasibility95%
1.Ibiza → Madrid (IBZ → MAD)1 hr 15 min
2.Madrid → San Francisco (MAD → SFO)11 hrs
3.SFO → Calistoga (rental car, praying on 101)1 hr 45 min
4.Crying in the rental car parking lot30 min
💡 Pro tip: Book the aisle seat. You will need to pee.
🛳️

By Boat

Estimated total: ~18–22 days

Adventurous
Feasibility40%
1.Ibiza → Strait of Gibraltar2 days
2.Atlantic crossing (pray for wind)14–16 days
3.Panama Canal (fees, paperwork, existential dread)1 day
4.Pacific coast to San Francisco Bay3 days
5.Uber from the marina to Calistoga1 hr 30 min
💡 Pro tip: Pack Dramamine. Pack more Dramamine. Pack a third container of Dramamine.
🏊 🚶

Swimming + Walking

Estimated total: ~4–7 years

Not Recommended
Feasibility4%
1.Swim: Ibiza → mainland Spain~18 hrs (tides permitting)
2.Walk: Spain → Portugal coast~8 days
3.Swim: Atlantic Ocean (5,570 km)Estimated 3–4 years
4.Walk: Miami → Calistoga, CA on foot~14 months
5.Collapse at venue entranceImmediate
💡 Pro tip: Bring a wetsuit, 800,000 calories, and a deep sense of purpose. Also: sharks.
💊

Clearing Your System in Time

A practical guide for the mandatory pre-wedding drug test.

⚠️ Disclaimer: we are not doctors. we are not lawyers. we are getting married.

Detection Window (Urine Test)

Day 1–2
Still very much in there. Stay home.
Day 3–4
Getting there. Hydrate.
Day 5–6
Borderline. Sweat more.
Day 7+
Probably clear. Probably.

* Hair follicle tests: 90 days. You are simply cooked. Wear a hat.

💧

Hydrate Aggressively

Drink water like it owes you money. MDMA depletes you — flush it out. Aim for 3–4L/day but don't overdo it. Hyponatremia is also a thing.

🥦

Eat Real Food

Your liver is doing its best. Help it with leafy greens, lean protein, and complex carbs. Avoid alcohol — it competes for the same metabolic pathways and makes everything worse.

😴

Sleep. Seriously.

MDMA torches serotonin. Sleep is how you get it back. 8–9 hrs minimum for 3–5 days post-event. No late nights, no exceptions.

🏃

Light Exercise

A 30-min jog increases metabolism and helps your body process metabolites faster. Don't go insane at the gym — you're recovering, not training for a triathlon.

📅

Know Your Timeline

MDMA is typically detectable in urine for 3–5 days in casual users, up to 7 days in heavy/frequent use. Hair follicle tests can detect it for 90 days. Plan accordingly.

🚫

Stop Taking It

This one is load-bearing.

🥤

Catering

We have partnered with a world-class culinary institution to feed our guests.

View Catering Menu

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